What drives Americans to leave home and settle elsewhere? That question has been on my mind for many years. This series, Leaving America, seeks to uncover the multitude of reasons and lessons learned—beginning with Americans in and around Paris. Become a paid subscriber to access this newsletter’s archives. You can read more of my thinking on this topic in this reported essay.
Among the ‘lifers’ I’ve come to know in Paris—a cohort of Americans who are so entrenched in and inextricably linked to Parisian and French life that, barring special or temporary circumstances, they will never leave the country— Zeva Bellel, who arrived 27 years ago, is the one to have modeled for me what evolving from twenty-something to mid-career adult can look like in France, twists and all. I first discovered her when she was working in magazines and launched one of Paris’s early blogs (Paris by Appointment Only, RIP) but met when she was the director of Yelp France and I was well into journalism, writing quite a lot about Paris dining. We reconnected years later when she was training to become a career coach for women. Today, she works with clients in French and English (in Paris and remotely) and has just finished her first book, a mix of personal essays and self-help workbook with hands-on exercises, releasing in October 2027.
Where was the last place you lived in the U.S.?
I was living in Park Slope in Brooklyn, New York, in an apartment above a pet store with my ex-boyfriend and our four rescue cats.
Did you intend to leave permanently or was the move temporary?
I was hoping that it would be a permanent move, but was too scared to admit what I wanted to myself, as well as the people I was leaving behind. So I just imagined it as a three-month reconnaissance trip, which turned into 27 years, and no plan in the future to return.
Was there a pivotal moment when you knew your life would be best pursued elsewhere?
There wasn’t one pivotal moment, just a series of little yeses every time I visited Paris, or thought of Paris, or visualized my life there.
What sort of financial consideration did the move require, even if as a student initially? Does one need a plump savings account to make this work?
Ever since my parents opened up a video store in my teens, I worked weekends and on summer breaks, so I had a little nest egg built before I began working full-time (first at the video store, then at a film and photo archive in NYC) after graduating college. If I’m not mistaken, I had around $8,000 saved for my trip back in 1999, enough to keep me safe and stress-free until I found some way of earning money.
At what age did you leave? Looking back, was that too soon or too late?
I left several weeks after my 25th birthday. I think it was the right time. Earlier, I wouldn't have had the experience of living as an adult in NYC, which made me confident that I didn’t want to be there. Any later, I think I would have gotten so stuck in the familiarity of my life, and the expectations that come with living and working in a big city, and it would have been even more difficult to eject myself from that reality. It was the perfect amount of knowing what I didn’t want and feeling energized by the possibility of creating a life for myself that I deeply longed for.
When did you know you'd made the right [or wrong] call?
I knew right away that I had made the right call, even though it took me some time to grieve the version of my life that I left behind. I remember feeling waves of fear and anxiety wash over me as the reality of my decision sank in. Even when you decide to go after something you deeply want, you can still be sad and mournful of what you leave behind.
What does Paris offer you that your native home couldn’t and, perhaps, still can’t?
I think it’s the endless fascination for a culture and history that’s not entirely my own. Being just slightly on the outside makes life challenging in a way that keeps me on my toes, and makes me question what’s real and true for me, since you see the world through a sort of dual lens. There’s always (still, after 27 years) an expression that catches me by surprise, or a way that the French behave that I find bizarre and hilarious.
I also love the community of immigrant friends that I’ve made here. The fact that we’ve all chosen to build our lives in Paris, despite all of the challenges that come with it, makes me feel connected to a joint story and experience. And let’s not forget the beauty of this country and this city. I still can’t believe I get to live in such a breathtaking place. Plus national healthcare, easy, affordable access to all of Europe, and a quality of life that would cost a literal fortune back in the States is incomparable.
Can you share any anecdotes about your highest and lowest moments in Paris?
Not exactly a high or low, just an intense one: giving birth to my first son and being so flooded with hormones and drugged up on my epidural that I could no longer understand what my French Obstetrician was telling me to do. Respirez, bloquez, poussez (breathe in, hold your breath, and then push) was what he said (I’ll never forget) but I couldn’t for the life of me grasp what that meant or do what he asked. Luckily my husband was there to translate, and I eventually birthed my baby!
Are there aspects of American life that you long for?
For sure, though the list is shorter than it used to be now that you find an Uber late at night without worrying about being stranded on the other side of the city. That you can order delivery or take leftovers home and do errands on Sunday because things are open. That said, I still miss how friendly and serviceable people are back in the States and how easily people strike up a conversation.
But what I miss most are the relationships I have back at home, the people who I just don’t get to spend time with physically, casually, and spontaneously because I chose to move my life here. That remains the biggest sacrifice I had to make, and at the time that I decided to move I didn’t realize how substantial that would be. The fact, now, that my kids only see their grandparents a few times a year and that I miss out on most of the family celebrations that fall outside of my visits back home. I wonder how my life would be different, how our relationships would be different if we weren’t so far away.
What book or movie do you most associate with the American experience abroad?Before Sunset by Richard Linklater does an amazing job at capturing the romance and desire you can feel towards a foreign place that spills over into the people you meet there. I don’t know if it’s unique to Americans abroad, or if it’s more universal, but there’s something about transplanting yourself into a foreign place that awakens your senses, makes you reflective about your own life and choices and future, and makes you unusually open and receptive to new experiences and connections with others who share the same kind of curiosity and passion for life.
If you had to narrow it down to one, what is the greatest lesson living abroad has taught you about yourself and the world?
That there is no perfect system or culture, only different ways of seeing and organizing the world. And that what we believe to be true is largely influenced by the water we swim in. Going back and forth between two cultures, and realizing there are multiple realities to choose from, has made me much more curious and inquisitive. Rather than accepting things at face value, I’ve learned to dissect them a bit more. Which principles and values genuinely resonate with me, and which ones simply feel familiar and safe?
Living abroad has reminded me that if I’d grown up somewhere else, many of my convictions would likely be different. So the lesson that’s emerged after twenty-seven years here is this: question your beliefs. Question the system you were raised in. Choose your values deliberately, and build a life that reflects the person you want to become rather than simply defaulting to what everyone else is doing. Because the truth is, if you picked yourself up and planted yourself somewhere else, that environment would shape you, too.
“There is no perfect system or culture, only different ways of seeing and organizing the world.”— Zeva Bellel
Have you ever considered going back? (Why or why not)
There was a very brief window towards the end of Obama’s second term and the possibility of Hillary Clinton winning when we considered a West Coast trial run. At the time I was working at Yelp, which was based in San Francisco, and going there regularly for work. My husband and I thought a move to California would be fun for us and our two boys, just for a year or two. But then in November 2016, I lost my job at Yelp in a huge company reorg where 200 people got laid off, and Trump won the election. And that was the end of that!
For those contemplating leaving the U.S., what do you suggest they consider most about the decision?
Ouf, that’s a heavy question. I think it would be very wise to come to France multiple times and spend a few months really getting a sense of the way of life here to see if it feels good. You can’t just plug your worldview into another place and expect everything to just line up perfectly. You’ll need to give up certainties about what you think is the right way to do things and live in order to make a successful move. So, chunk it out. Spend some time here and really get a feel for the local way of life, and ask yourself how it makes you feel.
Follow Zeva on Instagram and listen to her podcast, On Becoming.
Click here to read all previous Leaving America questionnaires. If you think a friend would enjoy The New Paris Dispatch, gift subscriptions are available here.
This is an excellent and nuanced interview about all of the pros and cons. I appreciate Americans who have more ordinary lives in Paris that are not plastered all over social media!
The distinction between what genuinely resonates and what simply feels familiar feels like the heart of this. Living abroad seems to reveal how much of a life was chosen by default. After 24 of these interviews, is there one value people consistently become more deliberate about only after leaving?