Leaving America Questionnaire #10

Monique El-Faizy, journalist & author, 10th arrondissement

What drives Americans to leave home and settle elsewhere? That question has been on my mind for many years. This series, Leaving America, seeks to uncover the multitude of reasons and lessons learned—beginning with Americans in Paris. Become a paid subscriber to access this newsletter’s archives!

It was an essay published a decade ago in Cosmopolitan on dating a younger man that first introduced me to

Monique El-Faizy

, but it was her work on women’s issues that made me follow her reporting ever since. The author and former fellow at the World Policy Institute reported from the south of France during the Pélicot rape trial and is currently at work on In This Dark Room: Secrets, Shame, and Reckoning at a French Trial, a book about the case. I’m delighted that she is the tenth feature in this series. Paywall-free to mark the first milestone. Read on!

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Where was the last place you lived in the U.S.?
New York City.

Did you intend to leave permanently or was the move temporary?
I assumed I would go back at some point but didn’t have a specific plan. I was leaving my marriage and was looking to escape what had become a painful place for me. But in many ways, New York will always feel like home–even if I no longer have any desire to live there. I used to say that I felt like a fish slipping back into water every time I went back, but that has become less and less true in recent years.

Was there a pivotal moment when you knew your life would be best pursued elsewhere?
No, but I had lived in several different countries in my twenties–including France–and even after I’d been back in the US for nearly 20 years, I always assumed I’d move abroad again at some point. My parents are both immigrants but of different origins–my mother is Dutch and my father is Egyptian–so there was never a country that felt naturally and completely “home” for me.

What sort of financial consideration did the move require, even if as a student initially? Does one need a plump savings account to make this work?
The first time I moved here, in my 20s, I was fresh out of college. I was willing to live on a shoestring and I was lucky in that my parents helped me with my rent. And, back then, recent college grads from the U.S. were able to get a special visa that allowed them to work in France; I can’t remember if it was for one year or for two and don’t know if it still exists.

The second time I moved here, in 2015, I was coming from New York, via Cairo, where I spent two years. My rent here was roughly the same as my rent in Cairo and far less than what I was paying in Manhattan. Schools, healthcare….all those big expenditures were much lower. Having said that, my salary here was also much lower than what I had made in the U.S., but at the time we were subletting our Tribeca loft at a profit, so I had some cushion. Later on, I was getting child support, which gave me a meaningful safety net.

I have long held multiple passports, which let me bypass legal and visa issues and made moving around much easier.

At what age did you leave? Looking back, was that too soon or too late?
Having moved abroad multiple times at different ages, I think each has its advantages and challenges.

It was easiest to integrate when I came to Paris in my twenties because young people mix so easily and have so many different places where they meet organically. On the other hand, when you come with school-aged children, you have built-in community–though I didn’t take advantage of it here. What I did rely on, however, was friends connecting me to their friends. I had several introductions to people in Paris when I moved here the second time and built my network through those.

When did you know you'd made the right [or wrong] call?
I am a junkie for new experiences, so it felt like the right call from the outset. I have always loved the freedom of starting over in a new place and the challenge of building a life from scratch.

What does Paris offer you that your native home couldn’t and, perhaps, still can’t?Vacation time, a manageable pace of life, affordable healthcare, easy travel within Europe and beyond. I like the emphasis on enjoyment that Europeans have, which I think makes life overall more humane than in the U.S.

Can you share any anecdotes about your highest and lowest moments in Paris?
I don’t have any low moments that are specifically Paris-related. I have a lot of high moments that are.

The first one that comes to mind is somewhat petty and involves a bureaucratic victory. I wanted to exchange my driver’s license for a French one but my home state of New York doesn't have reciprocal privileges. I also had a very old but still-valid U.K. license, one of the ridiculous folded paper ones, but my wallet had been stolen (okay–maybe that should count as a low moment) and I had only a photocopy. When I got to the appointment, the clerk told me that I also needed to provide proof of a clean U.K. driving record. I hadn’t lived in England in decades, had no address there and, without that and the new form of British ID, was unable to access the online system. The French clerk, amazingly, decided to help me out and did that legwork for me. I walked out with an approved French driving permit and a vow to myself never to complain about French bureaucrats again.

Also, after nearly a decade here I still marvel at the beauty of the place every time I leave my house. The feeling of being profoundly fortunate to live here has still not dissipated.

Are there aspects of American life that you long for?
No, probably because I go back to the U.S. several times a year. I think those regular doses of American energy make it easier for me to live here. I love the directness of Americans and their belief that anything is possible. Each trip back is a mental reset for me. But there has not been a single time when I have not been relieved to come back to France.

What book or movie do you most associate with the American experience abroad?
I don’t have strong associations about Americans abroad, perhaps because my primary experience with immigration was in the U.S. A book that profoundly resonated with me on that front was The Last Gift by Abdulrazak Gurnah, a novel about a man from east Africa who moves to England. It explores issues of identity, cultural roots, and family, which were all things I had to tackle growing up in the U.S.

If you had to narrow it down to one, what is the greatest lesson living abroad has taught you about yourself and the world?
The importance of learning to live outside one’s comfort zone. In learning to embrace discomfort, you become open to all kinds of different perspectives and experiences. Traveling and even living abroad is but the first step. The real challenge is learning to let go of the crutch of familiarity.

Monique El-Faizy in Paris

Have you ever considered going back? (Why or why not)
My life has taken me all kinds of places I never thought I’d be–including France, the second time I moved here. So I no longer plan. I would go back if I had a reason to, but I can’t see myself taking the steps to make that happen just for the sake of it.

For those contemplating leaving the U.S., what do you suggest they consider most about the decision?
Their capacity to feel alone. In particularly challenging countries–for me those were the Soviet Union, Egypt and, to a lesser degree, Hong Kong–the cultures are so foreign that Americans and Europeans who would never find common ground in other circumstances end up banding together. The expat communities in countries such as those are remarkably cohesive. In Europe, that is less true, and I often hear new transplants to Paris lamenting that they find it difficult to make friends. I think it can be a slower process here than in other places. But it does happen!

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